Bodies Aren’t The Only Things That Bruise


Dearest Provo Hunnie,

Tonight is a solemn night. It’s one remembered in reverence.

This night you learn what happens when you long board down the canyon before you are ready. Bodies aren’t the only things that bruise.

Dave and Trish get set up by Trish’s coworker. They meet up and have a bbq one night, and really seem to hit it off.

“Do you wanna go long board the canyon tonight after dinner?” Dave asks.

“Yeah that would be awesome! I haven’t ever done that before though. In fact, I’ve never even been on a long board before,” Trish sheepishly admits…

Dave offers to teach her. It’s more romantic that way. Men LOVE teaching girls how to do cr*p.

As the night went on, with several almost crashes, along with giggles and other such nonsense, these crazy kids take a break at the park and talk for a while.

The stars shine down on the newly forming love connection.

They get to know each other a little better, and Trish is overwhelmed by a feeling she has not felt in a long time. It is consuming her mind, and she can’t seem to ignore it. Over and over the thought is playing in her mind:

If I don’t find a f*tching bathroom RN I’m going to literally die.

(You thought she was thinking about love, didn’t you?)

Fortunately for Trish, they got going again and the bottom of the canyon was nearing. Past the trees and the parks, she was flying.

Over the bridge.

She just needed to get over the bridge.

As she finally came in view of the parking lot, she started picking up speed. Unfortunately, for all the teaching that had occurred, stopping was not included. Trish began to panic.

Stopped in the middle of her path, was Dave. Unsure of how to gracefully retain the situation, she went with her instincts.


Trish bailed off the board, trying to not crash into her date, and as soon as she hit the gravel, sh*z got real. Literally.

No, not literally. That’s disgusting. But she did actually pee her pants upon impact.

Luckily (?) she also scraped up her arm and leg pretty bad, and sprained her ankle. AND it was dark outside. (Thank the Lord for tender mercies.)

So he didn’t see that she had urinated.

Bless his heart, he insisted on taking her back to his house to dress her wounds. However, she insisted much LOUDER that he take her immediately home. (So she could change.)

Turns out, Mormons only take off their pants on first dates if they pee in them.

You might be tickled to know that she managed to get home without getting her bodily functions on his car seat.

However, the bruises and cuts on her body were nothing compared to the damage done to her ego. Never long board the canyon without learning how to stop.

Happy dating, y’all.

What are some of your MOST EMBARRASSING dating stories?


PS. Don’t forget to share your own stories via email! Or leave them in a comment. Visual aids always help. With your help, I know we can make Provo Dating Great Again!


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